Jealousy is such an ugly emotion. It is also immature and really a reflection of one's own insecurities....all this I know. And while I once was a pretty jealous person I don't think of myself that way anymore - either an advancement of my own maturity or self confidence lead to this, or I just got too tired one day of comparing myself to others and said "fuck it". No matter the reason jealously - thankfully - has not been something I have had to wrestle with in some time. But lately I have felt it springing up again and its as ugly as it ever was. I know I need to look at this and figure out what it is about ME that I am unhappy with, since that is always the root of jealousy of course. But that's hard to do...so I wanted to vent a bit before I did that.
I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I am feeling so unsure and unstable in terms of my future career plans. I have ideas in my head of what I want to be doing, where I want to be, education I need, people I want to emulate - and yet I get very overwhelemed sometimes and while I know I am moving towards SOMETHING, its hard to know if I am moving in the right direction....
I see others - my peers, some younger than me - who seem so advanced, seem so much more "ahead" of me just in terms of knowing what they want, and they seem well on their way while I feel like the proverbial a hamster in a cage sometimes.
I guess I need to give myself the advice I would give others if a friend was saying this to me: There is no clock other than the one in your own mind - you cannot be "behind" and others are not "ahead". Much like a marathon, you must attack life by focusing on your own race and not worry about what the other runners are doing - you have no control overt them, only over yourself. This is the only way to ensure your success.
